“I love myself … and I couldn’t have done it without help”

From his tireless work in the community garden at the Community Health Facility campus to the support and encouragement he shares on social media, Kevin Barnes has long been a beacon of positivity for everyone in his orbit. 

When asked about what motivates him, he said, “It makes me feel good when I can give to others.” 

He added, “I'm trying to give back to the people that gave me something that I will take to my grave. You know ... I love myself now. I couldn't say that before. And I wrote that down in one of my IOP [Intensive Outpatient Program] forms one morning, saying that I love myself, and I had not loved myself in many years. It was an incredible statement to be able to make. And I couldn't have done it without help.” 

It may come as a surprise to those who know Kevin that he was not always such an endless fountain of optimism. 

“I'm a different guy than I was four months ago,” he said, recalling a mental health crisis he experienced. 

“I was very ready to commit suicide if it hadn't been for my friend Amy. She's my rock. I had pulled up to the Treatment and Recovery Center [TRC] in the car. I was just sitting there in the parking lot, and she goes, ‘Kevin, go on in.’ And I did, I walked in.” 

Kevin didn’t initially think that the TRC or the crisis services available there would be an option for his particular situation and needs.  

“At first, I was like, why am I here? Because this has nothing to do with me. Yes, it does. I was there because I wanted to commit suicide. ‘Cause I was an alcoholic. I didn't think [my situation] had anything to do with schizophrenia or any of that, but it all combines together.” 

Kevin credits the Bert Nash Center team with turning his life around. He remembers feeling “ready to take on the world” when he was discharged from the TRC and began IOP. Clients in the IOP program meet daily in groups for several months, developing a range of skills including connecting and getting along with their peers and keeping themselves grounded. Kevin formed some close friendships in his group. 

He described writing activities where group members shared their experiences along with what they each wished to accomplish. Together, they would identify themes that carried across the experiences of several group members and work on processing what they were each going through. 

Kevin came to recognize and value his capacity to support the others in his group. “I decided after being there, I was not there just for myself. I was there for all the others that were there, too.” 

When he’s not lifting up other clients or cheering on Bert Nash staff online, you can often find Kevin engaging in what he calls “dirt therapy.” 

He explained, “The group therapy facilitators would bring up ways to manage my anxiety and depression, find something that I like to do to keep my mind and my body busy. And I have. I took on a role here at Bert Nash. I'm the community gardener. I get a lot out of it.” 

Growing up, Kevin experienced abuse at the hands of his father, with whom he had a challenging relationship, but he has positive memories of his mother, including learning how to garden from her. He recalls building her a rose garden with a rock bed and berm filled with a variety of flowers and plants. He’s proud to be following in her footsteps and described the raised beds he maintains. He donates the produce he grows to Just Food. 

Though Kevin has come a long way, he’s keenly aware that there are more challenges ahead. Earlier this year, while he was in the IOP program, he received a cancer diagnosis. What’s changed since he’s put such hard work into his mental health is his capacity to face that battle without resorting to the unhealthy coping mechanisms he used in the past. 

He reflected, “I've had my ups and downs over the years. I just let everything get away from me. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I haven't touched it in over six years. It's a huge accomplishment. I've fought my depression and my anxiety for years. I'm going to fight this. It takes lots of courage.” 

And Kevin has that courage. He recently underwent a long but successful surgery to remove cancerous tissue from his stomach. He cites his improved mental health and the lessons he has learned from his Bert Nash clinicians as the tools that allow him to face the scary uncertainties of his treatment. 

“If [Bert Nash] wasn't here for me, I wouldn't be here. I know that for a fact.” 

He added, “I want people to know that this is an organization for so many different challenges.” 

Kevin understands that his suicidal ideation was connected to his mental illness and his treatment has allowed him to create a new life for himself. “Since I've been through the TRC and Bert Nash in IOP, I'm a different guy. I don't want to hurt myself. I want to see myself get through everything and continue giving. Giving advice or whatever it takes to help somebody else.”