Family never gives up on each other

Parenting isn’t easy. Especially if you feel like you don’t have the support you need.

That’s how Becca and Eliot Spielman felt before they came to Bert Nash.

Then, for the first time, they felt supported. And understood. And validated.

“During our first meeting with Angie (Keegan, who was a Bert Nash parent support specialist at the time), it was clear that she understood both the gravity of the situation and the range of emotions my partner and I were experiencing,” Becca said. “She sat with us when we cried, and she validated our concerns. She was a true advocate for us and someone we looked to for ongoing support and guidance.”

Becca and Eliot adopted Baxter six years ago. He was 12 at the time and had been in foster care since he was 3. He came into the family with some serious challenges. “He had a very difficult childhood,” Eliot said. “He had been in something like 48 placements.”

Baxter was the middle child of five children and he was the last one to be adopted.

“We think it largely had to do with his gender identity,” Becca said. “He had dressed in stereotypically girls’ clothes from the time he was 5.”

“That’s why he came to us,” Eliot said. “They told us his story in our foster parenting class and we immediately knew we wanted to adopt him.”

“Eliot had this profound epiphany that this was our child,” Becca said. “Then we saw a picture of him, and it was all over from there.”

Baxter has received medication management from Bert Nash from the time he came into Becca and Eliot’s home. He also participated in Bert Nash summer programs and worked with WRAP (Working to Recognize Alternative Possibilities) therapists while attending Lawrence Public Schools.

For Becca and Eliot, parent support through Bert Nash was exactly what they needed.

“We had tried everything before we came to Bert Nash,” Eliot said. “Parent support has been huge for us. We’ve been so grateful.”

“There’s not a lot of support for parents, in general,” Becca said. “There’s this idea that if your child is struggling with something, then it is somehow related to your own parenting. We’ve learned there is a lot of stigma when it comes to parenting children who might have mental health diagnoses or may have some other kinds of behavioral needs.”

Even with support, it isn’t always easy. Becca and Eliot have been together for 13 years and were married four years ago, but the family dynamic could sometimes put a strain on the couple’s relationship.

“We have definitely had our moments,” Eliot said. “But we have always been very committed to each other. So, us splitting, that was never going to be an option. We have seen each other at our absolute worst, but I really do think it has made us stronger.”

 And Baxter, 18, who graduated from Lawrence High School last May, is a stronger person, too. 

“We’re definitely proud of him,” Eliot said. “Because the kid who came to us would have never graduated from high school. He’s come a long way. He really is one of the most amazing humans you could ever meet. He is kind and generous and thoughtful. Sometimes I can’t believe where he is, given what he has gone through.”

Baxter appreciates being part of a family that loves and supports him, no matter what.

“I would like to thank them for a lot of things. Just for bringing me into their home, being able to accept me with all my faults,” Baxter said. “They show that they’re not going to give up, that they are there for me, always and forever. There’s never been a point that they don’t love me or that they’re not going to be there.”

The services Baxter, Becca, and Eliot received from Bert Nash helped them all get to a better place, individually, as a couple and as a family. “When we came to Bert Nash, we had so much anger and hurt and despair,” Becca said. “We felt very helpless.”

“We didn’t feel judged at all when we came to Bert Nash,” Eliot said. “We’ve been so grateful for the help we received.”

“It’s been the most impactful for us,” Becca said. “That, to me, is why Parent Support is so important. For the first time, we felt like someone is in our corner. It validated our experiences and let us know that we had someone in our corner.”

Baxter put it best, Becca said, recalling a conversation with a therapist.

“One of the best moments in my life, actually, was during a family therapy session where Baxter was asked by the therapist how do you define family,” Becca said. “And his response was family never gives up on each other.”